If you know her at all, you know her as the hilarious and all-too-humble woman in the M.J. jacket. But you may not know that she had childhood dreams that never came true. I hope her parents aren’t reading this.

Meet Melissa Darch.

What is your name?
Melissa Darch

How long have you been a non-vegan?
23 years and counting.

Why have you decided not to be vegan?
It was never an active choice. I more chose to stay how I was.

Where do you get your protein?
I never reveal my sources.

What vegan food do you fear you’re missing out on as a non-vegan?
Since I have no dietary restrictions, I have no fears. But as a self-conscious person, let me into your club!

Do you eat fish? You eat fish, right?
Yes. I enjoy fish immensely. Whether it’s a grilled salmon or a tuna melt, or even that stuff at McDonald’s, I like a good, dead fish.

Are there any animals in your life, such as pets or funny neighborhood squirrels? Tell us a story about them.
We never grew up with pets. Mom said she was allergic and Dad indulged her fantasies. We had a stray cat appropriately named “Gato” for a while, but the drug dealers that owned it moved out of the neighborhood.

What do you do for fun besides eating meat and dairy?
Hunt. Jklolz. I like regular vegan activities- reading books, doing improv, teaching children Spanish and cheerleading. I even find time to snack on hummus and watch Jeopardy!.

Do you have any upcoming projects you want to plug?
Yes. I am just starting a sketch group and YouTube channel. I will keep you posted.

Make up a question of your own and answer it.
What are the major injustices in your life?
Wow, okay, big question. So back to the “no pets” thing. My mom grew up with nine cats in her house and then when we wanted one pet (even a fish!), Mom was convinced she was allergic. Dad grew up with at LEAST 200 pets, ranging from pigs to sheep to cows to dogs to cats, and he complained about the mess ONE animal would make in the house. Also that thing where Becky Sanderson slept with my now ex-boyfriend.

Song: “Thriller” by Michael Jackson
Recipe: Red Wine-Drizzled Vegan “Salmon” on a Bed of Quinoa