In developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 10: Falsely Credit Veganism for All Your Good Qualities

Are you intelligent? Hard-working? Good looking? Every vegan has at least one good quality (in addition to their best quality, which is that they’re morally right about food). Whether it’s your looks, your brains or your wealth, you need to credit veganism for making it happen. If someone eating a cheeseburger in the lunch room asks you how you keep so thin, credit veganism. If someone wearing a leather jacket asks you how you maintain a high energy level even in stressful times, credit veganism. If someone with camouflage overalls on and a deer carcass flung over their shoulder asks where you got such a charming disposition, just back away slowly. And then go tell a more normal person that you just handled a situation with poise and grace because of your veganism. Whatever the quality you’re being asked about, resist the urge to explain it using science or logic. Just credit veganism. How’d you land that promotion? Veganism. How’d you find such a wonderful husband/wife/partner? Veganism. How’d you recover from chemo? Veganism.

Why is this Important?
If we don’t tell people that veganism makes you thin; improves your health, personality and wealth status and single handedly cures cancer, then I don’t know how else to sell it. Nobody cares that it’s compassionate, that it saves animals from unnecessary harm, that it’s the way of the future. We’re all just in this for ourselves, so we have to show potential vegans what’s in it for them. Even if we have to lie through our lettuce-shredding teeth.

What are the Rewards?

• You’ll definitely be able to persuade more people to go vegan, because you’ll be following the “WIIFM” marketing model (What’s In It For Me). And the LTGWYW model (Lie To Get What You Want).
• Your assertions about veganism, however flawed, will be intriguing to a lot of people, thus potentially leading to speaking engagements and book deals. And those are stupid places for science anyway. Look how many people bought “The Secret.”

What are the Challenges?

• Some people who become vegan will then decided to discontinue it when they don’t notice a miraculous improvement (like you had – wink, wink). So, you’ll need to come up with more specific and elaborate fantasy-based assertions to further convince them to eat veggies. An angel told you they should? That’s just one example.