Tip 14: Impose Your Ridiculous Life-Saving Morals on Your Dogs

dakotatreatnoseBefore you comment on how cute this picture is, please know that this is not an image of a dog excitedly waiting to be allowed to eat a treat. This is an image of a dog who is deeply downtrodden, ashamed and embarrassed because she knows that treat is made of something other than meat. You see, her person is a vegan, so she is forced to be as well. It’s a sad situation, and it goes on in millions (or at least tens…) of homes across the country: vegan owners stripping dogs of their inalienable rights to eat low-grade, ground-up parts from other animals that have been labeled unfit for human consumption, all to further some hippie-dippie idea of compassion for all beings. I know, it sounds wrong. But, as vegans and animal rights advocates, we sometimes have to deny rights to our pets in order to extend rights to other creatures.

It’s a difficult job, but it’s an important part of being vegan. Do you think I like seeing my dog get all excited by the sight and sound of me chopping broccoli, and then sneaking her a piece of it, watching her scarf it down happily and knowing in my heart that she’s just confused and in denial? That she has hopelessly given up on ever enjoying food again and is now just pretending for my sake? That she’s been pretending for so long that she’s gotten really, really – I mean really – good at it? No, I don’t, but it has to be done.

Why is this Important?
Most commercial non-vegan dog food is comprised of meat unfit for human consumption: animals within one or more of the categories known as the “Four Ds” – dead, dying, diseased or disabled. So, it’s important to make sure your dog doesn’t eat these products, and that she experiences one or more of the “Other Four Ds” – discontentment, discouragement, downtrodden-ment (??) and DOWNRIGHT DENIAL (that’s five Ds…). It’s for her own good. Sorry, I mean your own good. And the good of the other animals. And the good of your dog, I think. Yeah. Win, win, win.

What are the Rewards?

  • While your dog can’t speak (English), she can wear message tees! But what kind of message tees would she wear if she wasn’t vegan? All the good ones are vegan.
  • In the wild, dogs wouldn’t eat much meat. They would rely for the most part on foods that are easier to obtain. For instance, when left to her own devices, my dog eats Q-tips from the bathroom trash can. Is ear wax vegan?
  • Dogs don’t really have a class system, so maybe you can help them create one. And your dog will be at the top.
  • Vegans like spending time with like-minded people. Even if they’re butt-lickers.

What are the Challenges?

  • Your dog, if he or she embraces the vegan diet, may become self righteous, like this one.
  • If your dog is male, there’s a good chance he will be made fun of by other male dogs for being “weak” and “compassionate.”
Seriously, she does NOT want that broccoli.

Seriously, she does NOT want that broccoli.

This post is lovingly dedicated to V-Dog founder Dave Middlesworth, who passed away recently.

In developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away.

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