I know I’m late to the Beyonce Bashing, but I want to take a moment to address it. I mean make fun of it.

In her Destiny’s Child song, Independent Women (which I link to in a funny manner below), Beyonce starts by asking, “Question: Tell me what you think about me.” Big mistake, Beyonce. Big mistake.

Recently Beyonce announced she’s vegan, and – naturally – that has made a lot of vegans really mad. Wait, what?

Here’s the deal.

1. There are concerns that Beyonce isn’t a true vegan because, while her diet consists only of plant-based foods, her reasons aren’t as holy as others’. Namely, she’s in it for her health, not the animals.
2. There are also concerns that she’s not really vegan because she’s profiting off of it via her new vegan meal delivery service.
3. Lastly (I hope), there are concerns that Beyonce isn’t vegan because she wears fur.

The evidence is damning, Beyonce. The Level 100 Vegan Jury has spoken, and you can’t call yourself “vegan” anymore. And neither can any of us.

I, for example, am not vegan because:

1. My car has leather seats. Never mind that I bought it in 2005 before I was even vegetarian. I still sit on those seats and drive that car. I’m kicked out.
2. While my main reason for not eating animals is concern for their welfare, I should probably be slightly more concerned with it. I should yell at people on the animals’ behalf. I should think all day long about animal suffering. I should wear more message tees!
3. And if those two facts aren’t proof enough that I’m not pure enough to call myself a vegan, this final one will seal the deal: Being vegan makes me happy. [Pause for inevitable horrified gasps]. Yes, I take pleasure from it. A great deal, actually. It makes me feel like I’m living in alignment with my core values of not harming others unnecessarily. It makes me proud, and it opens up my mind to caring about other forms of injustice too! Super. Duper. Selfish.

I hereby lay down my vegan badge of honor. I hereby retract my club membership. I hereby ask that you do the same – and yes, I can find a reason, so don’t even try to argue. I know somewhere in your house you have old sunscreen that was tested on animals. I know your second-hand shoes have a man-made upper but a leather sole. I know they put cheese in your burrito last week and you only picked most of it out. Get out of the clubhouse!

To wrap up, Beyonce, I think it’s pretty gutsy that you just started calling yourself a vegan before going through the initiation process and without taking any of the required tests. Who do you think you are, an independent woman (see? funny!) who can decide how to label herself without checking with other people first? That’s not veganism, that’s feminism. And that’s an even harder club to join.