We’re back, baby chicks! And we have a fun, silly, talented guest who performs in and around Seattle. She has a hilarious story (and lesson?) from her childhood, and I think you’ll have a hard time A) not laughing, and B) ever forgetting it.

Please meet Yolanda Suarez!

What is your name?

Yolanda Suarez.

How long have you been a non-vegan?

I have been a non-vegan for 45 of my 50 years. I took a break from eating delicious and amazing real food to appease a man who is no longer in my life. We ate many dirty vegetables and bland salads for five years until I called it quits. The day I broke up with him, I bought a beer, hamburger, and pack of cigarettes because nothing says “I love myself more” like clogged arteries, lung cancer, and a huge gut!

Why have you decided not to be vegan? Describe your journey to veganism and where you got stalled.

I have decided not to be a vegan because most vegan food is really just vegetables, and I think it’s wrong to limit my taste buds to healthy food. I want food that I can regret later. I have never heard anyone say “I just ate way too many vegetables today, I need to slow down and rethink my life.” Life without drama and regret is just not worth living.

Do you ever talk to others about eating animal products? If yes, why so preachy?

I actually don’t talk to others about eating animal products. I just chew loudly and let others take in the experience! I believe in show, don’t tell. Actions are louder than words anyway, amiright?

If you had to take one step toward becoming vegan, what would it be and why only one?

If someone paid me to become a vegan, then I would do it. We all have our price. And mine is a plate of nachos…with chicken.

Which fad diet or meat eating celebrity made you want to eat animals?

Gordon Rasmay and someday I will have a BEEF WELLINGTON!

Where do you get your fiber? What method do you use to measure it to ensure you’re getting enough?

I get my fiber from fiber gummies. It’s like a treat you’ll never forget!

Are there any animals in your life, such as pets or funny neighborhood squirrels? Tell us a story about them.

I do not have any pets today, but I grew up with chickens. (Very stereotypical, I know). How I got pet chickens shows how naive I was as a child.

When I was a kid, I would flip through our Encyclopedia Britannica collection that my mom was duped into buying by some door-to-door salesman. I would always stare in amazement how an egg can produce a baby chick.

One day, I got the brilliant idea that I could personally incubate an egg and own my very own baby chick. I took an egg—from the refrigerator—and stuck it in a shoebox with a Barbie blanket. I placed the shoebox next to our fireplace, which my father would keep ablaze even in the heat of summer. Since my dad kept the fire burning like the torch of the Olympics, I figured I’d have a baby chick in no time.

I have a terrible sense of smell and timing, and after about three days went by my father found the shoebox and almost threw it out. My mother explained to him that I wanted a baby chick, so my father threw away my egg and bought me four baby chicks. He put them in the shoebox, and my brother and sisters ran to me at school to tell me my egg had hatched.

I never questioned how I got four chicks in four days from one egg. I just thought I was brilliant.

I thought I was brilliant until high school!

What do you do for fun besides eating meat and dairy?

I teach and perform improv with Bandit Theater. I perform with the house team, Mad Science. I also act, do live storytelling, bomb at any standup open mic, and can be found screaming into a microphone at just about any karaoke bar.

Do you have any upcoming projects you want to plug?

My next performance for Mad Science is at 7:00 p.m. on April 1st at Seattle’s Fremont Abbey.

Make up a question of your own and answer it.

What is a secret that you are willing to tell but ashamed to admit?
I believe I can interpret dreams from a true desire to help people understand their subconscious minds and what they’re trying to tell us about ourselves.

Song: “His Cheeseburger” by Veggie Tales
Recipe: Vegan “Beef” Wellington