Today, you have the privilege of reading an interview with one of the funniest people I know. He studied improv in Chicago and now teaches and coaches at The Improv Shop in St. Louis. He is partially responsible for whatever it is that I do well (he can’t be held responsible for the things I’m not good at though). He’s on my top ten list of improv role models, alongside people like Amy Poehler. This interview better be good, John.

Meet John Langen.

What is your name?
Real: John Langen
Fake: Quinn Quelfmore

How long have you been a non-vegan?
Thirty-five years minus a few terrifying days where I ran out of cheese or bacon. Also, Lisa, people like myself don’t refer to ourselves as non-vegan. We refer to ourselves as Meat Lords.

Why have you decided not to be vegan?
Truth be told, I haven’t made a conscience decision either way. Eating meat, cheese, and byproducts is much easier than the latter. I take the easy roads in life. *sigh* I’m waiting for someone to pull the old Folgers coffee switch on my cheeseburger, replacing it with a cheese-like burgerish thing, where I’m none the wiser and pick the vegan option. Who’s up for the challenge?

Where do you get your protein?
Kashi GOLEAN Crisp!: Cinnamon Crumble Cereal. There’s 10g’s of protein! It says it right there on the box! [Editor’s Note: This is a vegan cereal, Meat Lord.]

What vegan food do you fear you’re missing out on as a non-vegan?
Meat Lord, Lisa! Meat Lord!
Well, there are these vegan sandwich cookies that Pi Restaurant in St. Louis makes. Those are pretty delicious. That’s the whole thing, I can choose to have them if I want them. As a non-vegan, I’ve increased my options in life.

Do you eat fish? You eat fish, right?
Just dolphin. KIDDING! I also eat jelly fish and free-range, kelp fed mermaids.

Are there any animals in your life, such as pets or funny neighborhood squirrels? Tell us a story about them.
Animals are a big part of my life. They’re so damn adorable. I have a dog friend named Cosby that I live with. I was lucky to grow up in a household where environmental conservation and respect for wildlife was stressed. My entire family (dad, four brothers, two sisters) are avid birders. Let’s see, I’ll try to think of some animal stories…

Oh! When I was little we had a finch that we kept in a birdcage. Keep in mind it was solo in there. One day, after about 3 years it just laid eggs. I still can’t explain that one. I guess Jeff Goldblum was right: “Nature finds a way.”

My other story is that I learned about homosexuality from two male gerbils that would go at it in sixth grade science class.

What do you do for fun besides eating meat and dairy?
Obviously, I like comedy and I do that. I try and read as many first chapters of books as possible. I like to be outside and in nature whenever possible. I also have a fascination with creating blogs, posting once, and then destroying them. (It’s this whole thing I’m working through with my therapist.) I commend you on keeping this blog going. It’s fun to read!

Do you have any upcoming projects you want to plug?
I’m currently developing some sketch material with two friends, Pat Niday and Jacob McGuire, under the name the Gooey Butter Boys. I also do improv comedy at The Improv Shop in St. Louis and we’re getting ready to open a new theater space in the Central West End. Judging by the work that is going into it, it’s going to be an awesome venue for seeing comedy, taking improv classes or just getting a drink and chatting with friends at the bar. I think it’s going to be a great addition to this awesome city.

Make up a question of your own and answer it.
If your self now could go back and tell your middle school self something, what would you tell him?
I would tell myself to be nicer and that sometimes you’re a bully. I would also tell myself that on Wednesday, March 16, 1994, you’re going to fart very loud in religion class when you bend over to pick up a pencil. Don’t pick up that pencil!

Song: The Winner Is By Devotchka
Recipe: The 3 Alarm Vegan Bacon Cheeseburger