“We got John Langen,” I said, as if there’s more than one person in charge of this blog. “Who’s going to follow John Langen?” I asked. While I waited for an answer from no-one, an idea struck: It would have to be someone powerful, someone witty and smart, someone kind and uniquely beautiful. It would have to be a Lisa. (Actually, the truth is that previous interviewee Jodi Werner nominated Lisa and she sent me her answers on time to get in this week. Sometimes lies are more impressive though. I think we all learned a lesson here today.)

Meet Lisa Kelly.

What is your name?
Lisa Lynn Kelly. Apparently my parents wanted me to be an aspiring country star

How long have you been a non-vegan?
32 years

Why have you decided not to be vegan?
Because cows are insanely delicious. There’s that Bob’s Burgers episode where Linda pets a cow and says something like, “Aw, you’re so cute, I just want to eat you, nom nom nom!” That’s like me every time I see a cow. “You get on a bun and in my belly!”

Where do you get your protein?
You know what? I don’t know! I don’t believe in labels. By that I mean I never look at labels on food. Do you have any idea how many chemicals I ingest?!

What vegan food do you fear you’re missing out on as a non-vegan?
I’m not worried I’m missing out on a food because I will pretty much eat anything placed in front of me, but one thing I do feel like I’m missing out on by being non-vegan is the opportunity to become a better cook. I think it would push me to experiment and get creative, increase my spice knowledge. Right now, I just throw chunks of pineapple on Bagel Bites and yell, “I’M COOKING!”

Do you eat fish? You eat fish, right?
Only as of two years ago. I read the tabloids (job requirement) and every time a celebrity discusses how they keep in shape, their lunch tends to be something like a piece of salmon on a bed of baby arugula. Eating fish seemed like a very womanly thing to do. I really came into my own as a woman when I started eating fish and drinking white wine.

Are there any animals in your life, such as pets or funny neighborhood
squirrels? Tell us a story about them.
I grew up in a dog family, but now I have two cats, Captain and Turdle. Captain is an attention whore and I’m pretty sure a shapeshifter who loves having his hair blown dry. Sometimes I have to lock him out of the bathroom because I just don’t have the time to blow dry this cat! Turdle is very pretty and skittish and doesn’t know how to properly clean her butt. But she’s a skilled huntress. She’s like a woodland goddess whose butt I have to clean for her.

What do you do for fun besides eating meat and dairy?
I like to get on Netflix and spend a lot of time scrolling through the movies and reading the reviews for all of them and then never actually settling on a movie. I also like to watch sketch comedy and true crime shows. I like to write. I like to read, but it takes me about a year to finish a book. I’m the worst member of my book club. Sometimes I get in a facebook K-hole. I wish I could say I’m outdoorsy, but there’s too many bugs and shit out there.

Do you have any upcoming projects you want to plug?
I’m involved in a sketch comedy group alongside some very funny people, Lyndsay Shipley, Jodi Werner, Bryan Fornachon, Jaysen Cryer, and Alex Ringhausen, called the Exacerbaters and we have a lot of new stuff written and hopefully we’ll be putting on a live show again very soon.

Make up a question of your own and answer it.
“Truth or dare?”
“Dare.”
“I dare you to call Jimmy Peretti and tell him you have a crush on him.”
“Ew, no way!”
“You gotta do it!”
“Fine, hand me the phone.”

Song: Your Good Girl’s Gonna Go Bad by Tammy Wynette
Recipe: Mini BBQ Pizzas