I want to start out by saying how difficult it was to type “Jacob McGuire” without adding “friggin'” between “Mc” and “Guire.” And I want to move on from there quickly, to a silly improv bio I wrote for Jacob a few weeks ago:
What do you get when you mix a Ronald McDonald House with an Andrew Jackson Jihad? Probably a kind hearted yet punk rock, baby-faced, all around nice guy. On a completely unrelated note, Jacob McGruice* has been performing improv all his life, but he only added stages and willing audiences to the mix about two (?) years ago. Whatever a scene calls for, McGruice* brings it. A scene partner’s dream, he is quick-witted, focused on his craft, never a stage hog and always ready if someone needs to be picked up – literally and figuratively.

*I made a typo while writing McGuire, but I thought it would be funny, so I left it. You’re welcome.

Meet Jacob Mc-Friggin-Guire.

What is your name?
Jacob McGuire

How long have you been a non-vegan?
Twenty-five years with the exception of the days following the viewing of: Forks Over Knives, Hungry for Change, a PETA video narrated by Alec Baldwin that we watched in an ethics class in college, Babe, Babe 2 Pig in the City…. I am a weak man.

Why have you decided not to be vegan?
Baby, I was born this way.

Where do you get your protein?
Semen!!!, Hahaha, this is Jacob’s brother! Jacob needs to learn to log off the computer! Your shit just got hacked! LOL!

If you were a vegan, what would your nickname be, assuming there was a secret vegan council that required all vegans to have nicknames?
Soy Rogers

Do you eat fish? You eat fish, right?
I love fish. Why don’t I marry it? Maybe I will, why don’t you grow up?! As much as I love fish and other meat, I really enjoy dipping sauces that come with them. One time I put so much barbeque sauce on my hamburger, my cousin said, “Hey, Jacob, do you want some hamburger to go with your barbeque sauce?” It hurt.

Are there any animals in your life, such as pets or funny neighborhood squirrels? Tell us a story about them.
My favorite person ever was a dog named Gracie Funke. (RIP)  She was so incredibly sweet. My little brother and I were obsessed with Arrested Development when we got her so we fought for her name to be Maeby Funke, we compromised with my mom and got to pick the last name…which now that I think about it is dumb, no one uses a dogs last name. My mom is a great negotiator.

What do you do for fun besides eating meat and dairy?
I enjoy Cardinal Baseball, Breaking Bad, two-hand touch football with Andy Sloey and company, movies, being around Rachel Ahrens, and closely following the transformation of Jason Flamm. I am obsessed with reading about, performing and watching improv comedy.

The person who nominated you for this interview described you as “funny, kind, and does the good work in improv.” Is any of that true?
Aww  *Red Face* (mostly from my Rosacea but also from the nice things someone said about me.) Thank you, person! Trying to not be a dick is one of my guiding principles. I hope by “the good improv work” they meant make your voice gruff and be a dad that is disappointed in his son. I have that down pat.

Do you have any upcoming projects you want to plug?
My improv team Meowsers and our friends Pone Pone have a big announcement coming soon! Find out first by liking Meowsers and Pone Pone on Facebook, or give me your number and I’ll snapchat it to you! I also have started writing sketches with John Langen and Pat Niday for our group called The Gooey Butter Boys.

Your nominator requested that I ask you the following: What would the title of your autobiography be? What would be the first and last sentences of the book?
Title: Beers, Bikes, and Babes, and Other Awesome Alliterations. With forewords by Alex Haley and Kid Rock.

First Line: “If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born and what my lousy childhood was like and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.”

Last Line: “It was ultimately the very shark he befriended that killed Jacob in the end.”

Make up a question of your own and answer it.
Hey, Jacob, what is your favorite way your dad changes lyrics to a song?
It would be a tie between “Let it Be” by The Beatles (Let me pee, Let me pee), and “My Sharona” (My Sca-ro-tum). Classic.

Song: Tangled Up In Blue by Bob Dylan
Recipe: Vegan Gooey Butter Cake