In developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 3: No Applebee’s. No Compromise.

Applebee’s sucks. Why are they even called Applebee’s? It must be someone’s name, because they certainly don’t have fruits or vegetables there. I’d like to meet this Applebee guy (or gal – let’s not be sexist; women can be horribly regressive menu planners too). I’d surely give her a piece of my mind! A polite but stern piece of my mind! Applebee’s vegan food options are pretty much nonexistent. PETA offers a guide to Eating Vegan at Fast Food Restaurants (includes chains), and Applebee’s isn’t even on it. Come on, Mrs. Applebee! Even Chili’s has fajitas! Do you really want to be worse than Chili’s? And Denny’s and Ruby Tuesday and Taco Bell? You’re embarrassing yourself.

Why is this Important?
Principles. How dare restauranteurs think that, in this day and age, they can get away with not offering decent vegan dishes? The nerve. We have to stand up for ourselves against this antiquated business model that fails to recognize the restaurant deciding power people give to vegans. No self-respecting vegan is going to choose Applebee’s.

What are the Rewards?

• Like most things you do as a vegan, boycotting Applebee’s will get you bragging rights. How cool will you feel saying, “I haven’t been to an Applebee’s in yeeears?” (For extra Cool Points, call it “Crapplebee’s and toss your hair a little).
• Not having to eat chips and salsa as a meal (I mean, you still should, but do it at home or at another restaurant where the salsa doesn’t suck).
• Not having to go to dinner with your lame “Chicken Fingers Friends.”**

**”Chicken Fingers Friends” is the term given to people who, upon examining an unfamiliar (or, God forbid, unAmerican) menu, declare proudly that they’d like to order chicken fingers from the kids’ menu.

What are the Challenges?

• You’ll never be able to go out to eat with your grandparents.
• There are more than two thousand Applebee’s restaurants in the U.S. alone. That’s a lot of places at which you can’t eat (because you don’t want to).
• If you ever meet Jason Sudeikis, he might like you slightly less, because he does the commercial voice-overs now. If there’s any chance he’d be thinking of introducing you to Tina Fey, this might ruin it.