In developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 12: Make Sure Other “Vegans” Live Up To Your Standards

Not enough people in this world are asking the tough questions of each other: “Is there milk in that biscuit?” “Was that frozen lunch product manufactured in a facility that also uses eggs?” “Hey, why is everyone walking away from me?”

What kind of world is this that would allow people to call themselves vegan when they don’t meet other vegans’ impossibly high standards? No world I want to live in, that’s what kind of world. So, it’s up to us, new vegans, to police other people’s actions, purchases, words and, if we can, thoughts and intentions.

Here is a list of questions for you to start with. Save this list somewhere and add to it as you think of new concerns. You can ask these questions of your friends (well, the people who are your friends now but won’t be anymore), coworkers, even strangers.

1. Was that veggie burger cooked on a fryer with other food of which I don’t approve?
2. Does the veggie burger’s bun contain a trace amount of eggs? There has to be something wrong with it.
3. Is your dinner party food being cooked in a vegan-only kitchen, meaning no animal products exist in, have existed in or have ever been used in the kitchen?
4. Regarding this dinner party or potluck, is the cook vegan, and has he or she ever eaten animal products, even before college when he/she wasn’t yet aware of animal suffering?
5. Before you hug me, can you tell me with certainty that you’ve never come in physical contact with anyone who isn’t or has ever not been vegan?
6. Was the refrigerator (in which you store your so-called vegan food) ethically sourced?
7. If a bug flies into your house and lands on top of your food, would you shoo it away immorally, or gently encourage it to leave with lullabies and praise?

Why is this Important?
Being vegan is about personal purity. If we’re not asking enough questions to find out just how much animal cruelty is inevitable in absolutely everything we eat, buy, use, look at, touch and think about in modern society, who will? Also, how will everyone know how much you study and worry and sacrifice, or how much you want veganism to be an exclusive club that’s virtually impossible to join? They won’t! Oh no!

What are the Rewards?

• If you make being vegan about total purity instead of morals or environmental or health improvements, then you limit the number of people who can do it (or even want to do it). And that means you are extra, extra special.
• Nobody will like you, which is good because having friends often leads to going out of the house, which means you have the potential of stepping on bugs, killing micro-organisms, stealing Vitamin D away from other animals who need it, and the list goes on. And on.
• When you ask a question that traps a so-called “vegan” into admitting that she is not 100% sure she’s not harming any animals, and you get a confession from her, it makes you feel so self-righteous and powerful. And you can spend the rest of the day (alone) with your head held high.

What are the Challenges?

• Purity is incredibly difficult to achieve in the modern world we live in. Some say it’s even impossible. It sounds really, really hard. And stupid.
• You can’t do anything. Ever.

*Don’t do any of this. Please. And read this.