I met this week’s interviewee at the most recent Great Debate, hosted by Denver’s Buntport Theater. Adam Mordecai was one of three comedic geniuses on my team, debating (successfully) why mermaids are better than Red Lobster. Adam’s hilarious speech brought Red Lobster down a peg or two – or three – with its detailed accounts of the restaurant’s nutrition (or, can you call it that?) information. Salt, salt and more salt. An avid hater of Red Lobster, my heart was won over. Doubly so when Adam threw in some feminist rants!

But then I discovered that this seemingly intelligent person, with whom I was about to become friends, eats animals. Animals! Strike one. Then the interview you’ll read below revealed his poor pet ownership. Strikes two and three. I guess I could have titled this blog post “Potential Friendship Ruined Before it Began.” Or “Don’t Read This: It’ll Just Make You Sad.” (Just kidding, Adam, please be my friend and try tofu again because I asked nicely in the future when we make our spouses date us together!)

Meet Adam Mordecai.

How long have you been a non-vegan?
I was born an omnivore and have continued down that path for the last 38 years. Bacon just called to me. I think evolution was to blame. I’ve had two weeks of being a vegetarian, but only because the conference I was at forced me to.

Why have you decided not to be vegan? Describe your journey to veganism and where you got stalled.
I considered being a vegan once, until I learned what it meant. The part where they say you can’t eat meat or eggs or cheese or anything good kind of confused and frightened me. Also, tofu gives me the heebie-jeebies.

If you had to take one step toward becoming vegan, what would it be and why only one?
I am occasionally vegan at vegan restaurants with friends. That’s far enough. Put the tofu down or I’ll shoot.

Which fad diet or meat-eating celebrity made you want to eat animals?
It was the “Everyone is Doing It” diet that I learned from my parents who are really famous in my families circles. They fed it to me, and I enjoyed it immensely.

What vegan food do you fear you’re missing out on as a non-vegan?
I don’t understand this question. Why would someone miss vegan food?

Do you eat fish? You eat fish, right?
Oh hell yes. As long as it’s not fried. Or from the CariBPean.

Are there any animals in your life, such as pets or funny neighborhood squirrels? Tell us a story about them.
I used to have a Beagle who would eat our five-pound ham and almost die and escape all the time. I made a Google map to document his adventures. Also, speaking of funny squirrels, one time he buried one in our couch on the morning it was my turn to sleep in, and my wife found it and I didn’t get to sleep in. He’s gone to a better place now as we we’re bad Beagle parents. By a better place, I mean to that one place, up the road. By up the road, I mean to the ladies who live across the street from my mom and have patience for Beagles. Also relating to that, on the whole vegan theme, I never tried to eat him. Too gamey.

What do you do for fun besides eating meat and dairy?
I watch movies in which people sometimes eat meat, I write stories that sometimes have meat in them and I answer Q&As for vegans.

Do you have any upcoming projects you want to plug? Tell us about them.
I work at Upworthy. Go share the amazing things I’ve found.

Make up a question of your own and answer it.
What’s the best anti-vegan thing you have ever made?
Funny you should ask that, Vegan Adam, I call it the Bacon Explosion. Ironically, I can’t eat it anymore because of poor diet in my past, as my insides rotted out from GERD. I now am much more careful about my meat intake. So enjoy it. But only in moderation.

Song: “In Summer” From the Movie Frozen
Recipe: The Fakin’ Explosion