One time in St. Louis, Joshua Slobe did stand-up with me. And another time, he came to Denver and did stand-up but I wasn’t able to join him. And then this other time – okay, a thousand times – he entertained me online so my gord wouldn’t be bored. I have entertained Josh once or twice in his time of need, but never will I be able to repay his selfless and important acts of kindness. We talk about improv, stand-up and annoying restaurant staff at airports. Humble, funny, thoughtful and weird, it doesn’t get better than Josh Slobe.

But Josh Slobe could get better. By going vegan.

Meet Josh Slobe.

How long have you been a non-vegan?
My whole life! I’m pretty sure it’s been my whole life. Do the days I forget to eat count as being a vegan? Probably not.

Why have you decided not to be vegan? Describe your journey to veganism and where you got stalled.
I’d love to go vegan. Unfortunately, my food palette is so limited, that if I decided to stop eating beef and pepperoni, I’d be stuck with popcorn. Oh, but then I wouldn’t be able to use butter. I should expand my horizons. I think you’ll find making any kind of change in my life is a slow, unmoving task.

If you had to take one step toward becoming vegan, what would it be and why only one?
I’d start with eating vegan pizza, because I feel like it would be a safe territory to ease me into it. I’d do one step because I tend to trip when I do two steps.

Which fad diet or meat-eating celebrity made you want to eat animals?
My parents made me do it. I blame them for everything.

What vegan food do you fear you’re missing out on as a non-vegan?
I think I’m missing out on vitamins in general, and it’s a real bummer.

Do you eat fish? You eat fish, right?
I love fish! Being in a landlocked territory is pretty terrible!

Are there any animals in your life, such as pets or funny neighborhood squirrels? Tell us a story about them.
My girlfriend’s dog lives with me. His name is Pistol and he’s kind of a dick. I saved his live once, in spite of this. I was walking him down the opposite side of the street from some kids because sometimes he decides he hates kids, or everyone I care about. As I was walking in front of a high wooden fence, we walked passed a hole, and as we walked past the hole, another dog peaked his head through. Before either one of us could react, the dog grabbed my dog by the face and started pulling him through.

I started screaming, and tried to pull him back out, which was making it worse. A second dog showed up and wanted to get in on the action. I decided the best course of action was to grab the piece of the fence that broke off during the struggle, and start jamming it down on the first dog’s tiny face. Eventually, he decided eating Pistol wasn’t worth this abuse, and let go. Blood was dripping off Pistol’s face, and, as I checked on him, I noticed the horrified expressions on the faces of all the little kids I was avoiding in the first place. After that, I decided him growling at kids wasn’t the worst thing in the world. But hey, at least I ruined them for life before society did.

What do you do for fun besides eating meat and dairy?
Is there anything else? I spend a lot of time thinking about religion and finding reasons to stay indoors.

Do you have any upcoming projects you want to plug? Tell us about them.
My improv class at The Improv Shop is going to start doing our first few shows! I’m not 100% sure on the dates, but I believe they will all fall on Mondays at 8 pm on 9/15, 9/22, 9/29, and 10/6.

As far as stand-up stuff, that’s taken a bit of a backseat lately due to some unfortunate case of never leaving the house, but the girlfriend Jessica Campbell put together an awesome showcase at Hey Guys in Fairview Heights. That will take place on October 9th, at 6:30 pm.

Make up a question of your own and answer it.
Do you think your inability to sexually please anyone is because you eat too much meat?
It wouldn’t surprise me. Wow, that would explain a lot. Thanks for the tip, Lisa.

Song: “I Wanna Get Better” By The Bleachers
Recipe: Pizza Cake by my friends over at Maximum Salad