Disgusting vegan candy. Photo courtesy of Dave Mosick.

It’s a well-known fact that vegans are supposed to ruin Thanksgiving, but did you also know that, if you want to be a good vegan, you should be ruining Halloween too?

Vegan food is gross, so it must follow that vegan candy is gross. Sure, all the kids seem okay with your Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, AirHeads, BottleCaps, DumDums, Fireballs, FunDip, Jolly Ranchers, Laffy Taffy, Pixy Stix, Runts, Nerds, Starburst Minis, SweetTarts and Twizzlers, but they’re not. Because their parents know who you are and what you’re up to. And you’re not going to get away with it.

Or are you?

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 43: Ruin Every Holiday

How is this done?
Don’t tell anyone you’re vegan. You know the hand-painted sign hanging on your door that says, “Welcome to our vegan house?” Take it down. On the days leading up to Halloween, when neighbors are walking by, make it a point to eat vegan hot dogs and veggie burgers on your porch. They’ll think they’re made of animals, thus aiding your cover-up. And just when you’ve got everyone thinking you’re not vegan, bam! Vegan Halloween candy!

Why is this Important?
Some vegans say they only give out vegan Halloween candy because they don’t feel right about spending their money on candies made with animal products, or about promoting such candies as ones that kids – or anyone – should consume. They’re lying. The real reason is that they want to ruin your holiday. And they’re gonna.

What are the Rewards?

• All your neighbors will be eating vegan candy and not even know it. I mean, on some unconscious level they will probably know it’s disgusting, self-righteous, preachy candy, but consciously, they’ll be clueless.
• You can snack on the candy during the evening’s lulls, when no kids are around. Or you can do one of those “it’s going in your bag, oh wait no it’s going into my mouth” fake-outs on the red-headed butt-munch from the end of the cul-de-sac, who will inevitably be dressed in a costume that requires a plastic sword. Ugh, I hate that kid.

What are the Challenges?

• Trust me, you will look really, really smug as you hand out that vegan candy. And even smugger (more smug?) when the kids’ faces light up because it’s their favorite kind. You’ll have to work hard to keep a straight face, as if you’re giving out stuff with gelatin in it.
• You’ll have to resist the urge to hand out Vegan Outreach booklets along with the candy. That would blow your cover.