Tip 45: Help People. By Judging Them.

freetogoodhomefinalYou know it. I know it. They know it. Non-vegans and non-animal-advocates need our help. They’re lost souls, meandering through life making a billion mistakes. And we need to help them – not by offering solutions or support, but by judging them.

If you see a post on the internet wherein someone is moving and can’t take their dog or cat with them, don’t offer support or solutions. Offer judgment. It’s what they really need in that moment – that moment of heartbreak, of helplessness, of already feeling guilty for not being able to care for their animals. Sure, you could offer support. You could be the bigger person and express empathy for what the person must be going through. And sure, you have solutions. You’ve networked with all the leaders in animal sheltering, and you know of a few people who might be able to take in the person’s animals and find them great homes. But save it. Just judge. Judge, baby, judge.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 45: Help People. By Judging Them.

Why is this Important?
People can get support and solutions anywhere. Support is something their family can give them. Solutions can be found on Google. But judgment? That’s harder to find, so it’s up to us vegans to provide it. I mean, who better? We are morally superior in a variety of ways. Plus, they know we’re out there lurking, so they wouldn’t have posed a problem if they didn’t want us to pounce on them and use their vulnerability to make ourselves feel even more superior! When people are down and out, feeling blue, or doing something risky, often they don’t even realize it – and even more often, when they realize it, they feel kind of bad but not nearly as bad as they could. We can fill that void.

  • Did their cat get sick? Tell them they should be better at taking care of cats.
  • Did they slip up and eat a baked good with eggs in it while trying to become vegan? Tell them they’re not cut out to be vegan; they’re too weak-willed.
  • Did they buy a guinea pig from a pet store instead of adopting one who needs to be rescued? Tell them they just gave money to a horrible industry and they and their guinea pig are going straight to hell.

What are the Rewards?

  • By judging them and putting them down publicly, you can show off all your greatness and knowledge.
  • You can make someone feel bad about something that they might already feel kind of bad about. It’s always nice to know you have that kind of power!
  • If things go even more wrong for the person, you can say, “I tried to help her and she wouldn’t listen.” Look how smart and helpful you are!

What are the Challenges?

  • You can’t do this too many times with one person, or they’ll catch on and stop being your friend (because they’re stupid). You’ll have to put in some effort to spread the helpfulness around.
  • If you ever make a mistake, you’ll probably get similar help from other people. And while helping someone else by judging them makes perfect sense, it’s not as appealing when it’s done to you.

*Thank you to Rachel Ahrens for her Photoshop skills. Come to think of it, why hasn’t she been interviewed yet?

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