First you decide to make the personal choice to stop eating dead animals, then you start in with the annoying and inevitable preachy-ness, using words like “dead animals” to describe dead animals. But now you want to go even further, refusing to compromise your morals by cooking animals for other people when they’re in your home, effectively imposing your morals on other people (when they are in your home)? How dare you? You go, girl.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 44: Be Really Selfish By Refusing to Cook Animals for People

Why is this Important?
Since it’s not illegal yet, people can make the choice to eat animals. And freedom of choice is good. But not in your house, and not in your frying pan, baby! Your house is your castle, your refuge, your safe zone. Your home is the only place where you’re in charge and nobody can make you do anything you don’t want to do. Like make disgusting meat-eating dinner guests feel too welcomed. If Uncle Jethro wants to come to dinner at your house, he’s going to have to be okay with skipping meat for one meal of his entire life.

[I know, Jethro, it sounds really hard. I mean, what are the vegans going to feed you? The only thing they eat: grass? Puke! And what could the effects be on you? Will your cholesterol still soar proudly like an eagle putting a boot in the ass of a terrorist (health being the terrorist in this analogy)? Will your blood pressure suddenly drop to the so-called “normal” (read: dirty hippie) range instead of the manly American range where you like it? And – even worse – what if they feed you something disgusting, and you eat some of it to be polite, and you end up enjoying the disgusting food? How will you ever face your buddies at the lodge again? How will you face yourself?]

Vegans and wannabe vegans, Uncle Jethro will have to do this soul-searching on his own. It’s not for you to worry about. You just be a good vegan and force all your dinner guests to endure the horror of eating dishes like Island Black Bean Burgers, Pesto Risotto, Nirvana Enchilada Casserole, and Peachy Raspberry Cobbler.* Poor, poor Uncle Jethro. Muahaha!

What are the Rewards?

• You get all the good of having company and none of the bad: a dinner guest is a great excuse to make something wonderful and intricate for dinner, so take advantage of it. But don’t worry at all about making something they will like. Your spatulas, your rules.
• You won’t have to go against your values by agreeing to put your dinner guests’ selfishness above your own. If one person’s selfishness is based on well thought-out ethical decisions, it totally trumps the other person’s selfishness based on tradition and social norms.
• You can use this as a gateway into other things, like playing whatever kind of music you want in your home, wearing whatever you want in your home, talking however you like in your home, and more!

What are the Challenges?

• Uncle Jethro might not come to dinner again. Not really a challenge. Moving on.
• Maybe not Jethro, but other dinner guests of yours might think the meal is really tasty, and then text you a billion times the next day asking questions like, “What can I use to replace milk in my Alfredo sauce recipe?” and “Have you heard of a movie called ‘Food, Inc?'” Now you’re stuck being their token vegan advice-giver. Ughhh. (And yay!)
• Your guests might like the meal and eat it all. Or even their share of it. Dang it. No leftovers for you.

*Dishes are all from Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s cookbook “Isa Does It.”