Read this post or never read anything. Care about Paris or care about the other countries that have experienced terrorism. Support the troops or care about a football player who got in trouble. Show compassion toward animals or people. Be a good vegan or join non-vegans for Thanksgiving.

There are so many choices in life, and all of them are black and white. Gray areas are for chumps. Nuance is for jerks. Complexity is for butt-munches. Do you want to be a butt-munch? Probably not.

I learned all of this really smart stuff on Facebook recently, and I just had to share it with you. If we’re going to be ethical people – and perfect vegans – we have to make good choices. And by “good,” I mean all the way at one extreme end of the spectrum. Every spectrum.  All the time. Pick a spectrum and move your eyes all the way to one side. Land there. And dig your heels in! People will try to tell you that the issues facing us today are complex! They’re not! Just pick a side. Preferably my side.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 47: Read this Post or Never Read Anything. Those Are Your Options.

Why is this Important?
The world is divided up into categories. Sides for us to choose one of. If you’re going to survive and thrive, you need to choose one. Democrat or Republican. Pro-life or pro-choice. Vegan or totally uncaring weirdo. It’s important to categorize yourself so that people know how to react to your opinions. If you’re on their side, they know to agree. And if not, they know to write you off because you don’t know what you’re friggin’ talking about.

How Do We Do It?

• Post on Facebook about something you care about, signalling clearly to all your friends and followers that you literally care about nothing else. Because that’s the only explanation for your post.
• Find memes like the one above, which point out and shame people for caring about particular issues! There are even graphics that will put two irrelevant topics side-by-side, so you can make comparisons between them and shame people for caring about one of them.
• Learn to spell “hypochrite.” “Hipocrite.” Hippocrit.” Forget it. Just call people posers.

What are the Rewards?

• Great collection of memes to use. Already created and ready to be posted.
• You don’t have to think too hard about the details of any issue. Just choose a side and learn enough to Tweet about how wrong the other sides are. Done!

What are the Challenges?

• You won’t learn anything from people with different perspectives than you. Because your head is in your anal cavity.

*Pictured above: my BFF Lauren. Isn’t she pretty? She’s also very smart, and very kind to let me use her face in this post. She’s not at all a butt-munch.