Tip 50: Pretend to Exercise

lisa-superfitTo be a good vegan, you need to represent the vegan lifestyle in the best light. And that means you should always appear happy, pretend to like raw food, and, most importantly, stay fit.

Did I say “stay” fit? I meant “seem” fit.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 50: Pretend to Exercise

Why is this important?
People who aren’t vegan (the few that are left) are looking to you as a role model. Whether or not you realize it, they’re taking cues from you about how vegans look and feel. And since they’ll do anything to avoid change, they’re hoping to find any excuse that allows them to remain non-vegan. Don’t give it to them! Seem fit!

How do we do it?
I’ve compiled a list of my best advice for seeming like you’re in shape. Choose a few that fit your lifestyle and get “moving!”

  1. Dress in workout clothes. If people see you in sports bras and track pants, they’ll assume you’re in shape. It’s even more convincing if you apply some tap water to the clothes where you would have sweat if you had worked out. Google “sweat glands” if you’re unfamiliar with this phenomenon. [Bonus tip: Since you need your money for vegan ice cream treats, save on clothes by buying second-hand.]
  2. Walk funny and get up slowly. People will think you’re sore from too many reps at the gym! Suckers! [Bonus tip: Really drive this home by grunting and moaning when you move.]
  3. Wear headphones. If you have an arm band that stores your phone or keys, wear that too.
  4. Put your hair in a bun and wet it. Did you just finish a Body Pump class, or did you just get out of the shower after an intense run? Nobody will know, but they’ll probably assume it was one of those.
  5. Carry a bike helmet with you when you go out to dinner with friends. People will think you biked there!
  6. Start an account on MapMyRun. Take drives and post your routes on Facebook as if you ran them. [Pro tip: choose routes that go past your favorite restaurants.]
  7. Post pictures of yourself in places where people get exercise. Do you have an old bike? Sit on it and take a picture. What about a gym membership you haven’t used in years? Make use of it to go there and snap a quick selfie by the treadmill. [Pro tip: if you have access to mountains, take a picture of yourself with mountains in the background to not only seem fit but also outdoorsy and fun!]
  8. Wrap your knee, ankle, or elbow in a bandage. When people ask what happened, respond with “Pushed my limits, I guess.”
  9. Ask questions about exercise gear. You can do this in person with a group of friends, or on social media. Examples include: “Can you recommend good running shoes?” and “What’s the best app for tracking macros, brah?”
  10. Jump up and touch the tops of door frames you walk through. Only a jock would do that!

What are the rewards?

  • Your non-vegan friends will get the impression that you’re a healthy, in-shape vegan, and they’ll want to become vegan too.
  • You’ll get a lot of praise from friends without having to do any of the work. Get ready for some compliments you didn’t earn!
  • More Instagram followers.

What are the challenges?

  • Just one. Friends will invite you to exercise with them, and you’ll have to have a list of excuses on hand as to why you can’t. Perhaps this will be a future blog post.
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