His sarcasm is more potent than mine, he won’t even tryyy tofu and he types two spaces in between sentences, probably just to drive me crazy (don’t worry, I edited). Is there anything to love about him? Well, if you love silly dog stories, he might be able to win you over.

Meet Mike Neuman.

What is your name?
Mike Neuman

How long have you been a non-vegan?
Does breast milk count as non-vegan? If so, all my life.

Why have you decided not to be vegan?
Cattle killed my parents. This is my vengeance.

Where do you get your protein?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, ice cream and pasta. That’s why I have to diet.

What vegan food do you fear you’re missing out on as a non-vegan?
I don’t fear I’m “missing out” on tofu, but I do “fear” tofu.

Do you eat fish? You eat fish, right?
Nope. Hate it. General rule of thumb – if it f***s in the water, I don’t eat it. (I honestly do say that a lot. You may have heard it from me before.)

Are there any animals in your life, such as pets or funny neighborhood squirrels? Tell us a story about them.
When I was at improv class, my dogs got drunk on Bailey’s Irish Cream. They figured out how to get into an unopened bottle sealed in a collectible tin. Dog crap everywhere! Gibby, the male, was literally stumbling drunk. He fell to his side repeatedly trying to walk over to me. Toni, Gibby’s mom, was passed out under the kitchen table.

I scooped up both Cocker spaniels and rushed them to the vet ER certain PETA would be waiting for me to take them away into some kind of doggie foster care. After an eternity waiting in the office being judged by all, the vet called me in. “Dogs react to alcohol like adults and in just as many different ways. You can have sleepy drunks, angry drunks, etc. You’ll be glad to know you have ‘happy drunks.’” Yeah, that made my day. At least they come by it honestly.

The vet asked if I wanted to say goodbye since they were going to keep them overnight. “Oh, sure, bring the little angels in here.” They brought them both in on the linoleum-covered floor. Did you see Bambi? Remember when Bambi first steps out on the frozen pond and falls flat, every leg jutting out in a different direction? That’s exactly what Gibby did when they put him down. But he really wanted me to pet him, so he tried to “swim” to me on the floor. Toni kept walking head-first into the wall.

I went home, stopping off at the store for a ton of cleaning supplies. It was a proud night.

What do you do for fun besides eating meat and dairy?
Torture the elderly, kill babies, vote Republican (Just helping fit your theme.)

Do you have any upcoming projects you want to plug?
St. Louis Comedy Connection is going to start have free improv jams Wednesday nights at Mangia on Grand Blvd. People should go. The basement is kind of a dive, but it’s free for crying out loud! 8:30 start and anyone can play.

Make up a question of your own and answer it.
Do you have any secret talents or skills?
Nope.
Hmm,in retrospect, that was probably a dumb question to ask myself.

Song: “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears
Recipe: Vegan Bailey’s Irish Cream (good for humans, not for dogs)