Tip 7: Put Down the Novel, Pick Up the Shampoo!

readingshampooIn developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 7: Put Down the Novel, Pick Up the Shampoo!

Yes, “Fahrenheit 451” is wonderfully thought-provoking and “Ishmael” by Daniel Quinn changed your life, but there’s another information-loaded piece of literature you’ve been ignoring. It’s been in your home and on your head this whole time! As you move toward becoming vegan (and I know you are), put on your jammies and cozy up under the covers with a good shampoo bottle. Or grab a hot tea and head out onto the patio with bottle in hand. However and wherever you prefer to read, your shampoo bottle will make for some quality relaxation, education, entertainment and transportation to another world.

If your shampoo isn’t vegan (some aren’t! weird!), you’ll find crazy words like “biotin,” “cochineal” and “gelatin.” Dyes made from acid that deters predators from insects? Hey, they need those! Gelling agents made of boiled cartilage and bones from pigs, horses and cows? In my hair, guh-ross! On the other hand, if you’ve already switched to a vegan shampoo, you’ll see much nicer words, like “aloe vera,” “tea tree oil” and “cocoa butter.” And if you use Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soaps as a shampoo (and it says on the bottle that you can), you’ll get to read a lot of pretty words and messages about how we are all one. And we are! We are.

Why is this Important?
Being a vegan is about more than just your diet. It’s something that bleeds (metaphorically) into many aspects of your life – both philosophically and washyourhairically. You need to read and familiarize yourself with what you’re smearing into your hairs and scalp.

What are the Rewards?

  • The next time you’re standing around at work discussing what books everyone is currently reading, you can brag to your coworkers that you read your whole shampoo bottle in less than ten minutes, and that you had to save it from the recycling bin a number of times so you could read it again and again. Beat that, speed-reader from the IT department with your bulky computer code manuals!
  • The literacy rate in the United States is about ninety-nine percent, but the shampoo literacy rate is abysmal. We should read our shampoo bottles and then teach it to others. It should be an available college major. It should be in Common Core. You can be part of the solution.
  • If you’re an attractive woman who is reading your shampoo bottle on a subway or bus, or in a coffee shop or library, you’ll already have a squirt-in-the-eyes type of weapon to use on dudes who interrupt you to ask what you’re reading. Or maybe they’ll just stop asking; I mean, it’s clearly a bottle of shampoo.

What are the Challenges?

  • Hollywood might make a movie based on the shampoo bottle, and, let’s face it, it won’t be as good.
  • You can’t bring your shampoo on the airplane, and they haven’t made e-shampoo bottles yet so your Nook is worthless.
  • Ya’ can’t dog-ear a plastic bottle.
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