Disclaimer: This review is not based on personal experience but observations made over a couple hours of watching others. Totally legit.

This past week, I traveled home to the St. Louis area to visit my family and friends. While there, I stayed with my parents, who are currently dealing with the joys and “oy”s of training a new puppy. I also visited my friend, who has a one-year-old human child. After careful comparison, I discovered that, despite claims made by new parents that having a child is much harder and more rewarding, it turns out that having a kid and having a dog are actually completely the same.

I want to pause here to briefly answer the two questions you’ve already asked in your head:

1. Yes, I’m aware that I said “having” a dog, instead of “sharing a home with a dog” or “being the legal guardian of a dog.” I also said “having a kid,” but you didn’t even notice that, did you? See, vegans do hate people. Just kidding. I did it because it’s a shorter phrase, it makes the sentences flow better, and I really don’t care that much. My dog is my world, my best friend, my everything. Mine. (My cat is not mine; I am his.)
2. No, I don’t really mean it when I say having a kid and having a dog are exactly the same. What I really mean is that having a one-year-old kid and having a puppy are exactly the same.

Let’s continue.

I know when some people hear the fact that having a kid and having a puppy are identical undertakings, they may have a small sliver of skepticism due entirely to societal norms. To combat that small sliver of doubt, I present to you my proof:

Proof That Having a Dog and Having a Kid are Exactly the Same:

• My mom spends her days shouting, “No, Sophie!” at the dog.
• My friend spends her days shouting, “No, Zoe!” at the child.
• These two activities – and even names – are basically exactly the same.
• Both beings urinate and defecate inside anyway.

• The one-year-old human child can’t speak English, but she seems to understand certain words when she hears them.
• Same thing with the dog, though she  seemed to know a lot more words.

• They both knock things over because they don’t pay well enough attention. Oh and because they only care about themselves.

• For both of them, their normal mammalian activities are closely monitored. This includes: sleeping, eating, drinking, peeing, making a number two, and having gas.

• Both the child and the dog force the guardian (there, I said it) to keep desirable items higher than their reach.

I admit slight differences exist. They are outlined in full detail below.

• Dogs are better.