Tip 18: Spend Time Only with Vegans

HATEnvsYou’ve probably heard vegans say that none of their friends are vegan. This is crazy. All of our friends should be vegan. All of them. Why would we spend any time with people whose beliefs and morals are any different from our own? Wouldn’t that make us grow? Um, we’re vegans. We’re done growing. Let’s leave the mind-expanding and evolving to the people who need it: non-vegans. Amiright?
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Tip 16: Listen to Your Supporters and Don’t Get Stuck on a Deserted Island

desertedislandWhen you first start exploring a move toward veganism, you’ll find that a lot of your friends and family will suddenly have a great interest in your health and well-being. How nice!

People who stayed up all night with you, eating chips and salsa and throwing back beers like there was no tomorrow, will suddenly be worried that you will lack protein if you eat too many vegetables. People who have never before expressed concern about your shoes, belts and shampoos, will begin to chime in about them, to help you out and lovingly guide you toward your goal of being less cruel to animals. Aren’t you lucky?!

Even your coworkers, acquaintances, distant cousins and strangers on the internet will help you reach your goal by posing thought-provoking questions that you may have never thought of but that will surely come up now that you’re eating kale. Heed their advice and warnings, because you could, very possibly, get – for example – stranded on a deserted island with only a chicken to eat.

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Tip 15: Pretend to Like Raw Food. Because You’re Supposed To.

rawfoodWhen you become vegan, there are many expectations put on you by your peers. One of them is that you’re supposed to enjoy raw food. Like most stereotypes, this one – that all vegans like raw food – does not apply to everyone. But in order to keep up appearances, we all have to pretend. None of us really like raw food, but we keep it to ourselves (except for me, right now, but I trust you all not to tell anyone).

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Tip 14: Impose Your Ridiculous Life-Saving Morals on Your Dogs

dakotatreatnoseBefore you comment on how cute this picture is, please know that this is not an image of a dog excitedly waiting to be allowed to eat a treat. This is an image of a dog who is deeply downtrodden, ashamed and embarrassed because she knows that treat is made of something other than meat. You see, her person is a vegan, so she is forced to be as well. It’s a sad situation, and it goes on in millions (or at least tens…) of homes across the country: vegan owners stripping dogs of their inalienable rights to eat low-grade, ground-up parts from other animals that have been labeled unfit for human consumption, all to further some hippie-dippie idea of compassion for all beings. I know, it sounds wrong. But, as vegans and animal rights advocates, we sometimes have to deny rights to our pets in order to extend rights to other creatures.
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Tip 13: I Don’t Care if It’s Too Expensive. Buy a Vitamix.

vitamixI’m more sure of the following statement than anything else I’ve ever said: If you’re going to survive being a vegan, you’re going to need a Vitamix. You’ll need one. You just will. Period.

Yes, I know they cost like 700 dollars, and you can “get by” without one, but is that really the kind of vegan you want to be? A cheapskate who makes half-assed smoothies and has to buy hummus from a store? Surely not.
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Tip 12: Make Sure Other “Vegans” Live Up To Your Standards

veganpoliceIn developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 12: Make Sure Other “Vegans” Live Up To Your Standards
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Tip 11: Replace Justifications with Just Vacations

justvacationsIn developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away. “How to Be Vegan” Tip 11: Replace Justifications with Just Vacations Continue reading

Tip 10: Falsely Credit Veganism for All Your Good Qualities

pumpkin-nose-2In developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away.

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Tip 9: Start Distancing Yourself from Hitler Right Now

hitrun1In developing this website, I’ve found that there are actually quite a few people who aren’t vegan. Weird, I know! Most of these folks are thoughtful, compassionate and great critical thinkers, so the only reason for them not to be vegan must be a lack of information. For these people, I decided to include some tips on how to be vegan, so they can get started right away.

“How to Be Vegan” Tip 9: Start Distancing Yourself from Hitler Right Now Continue reading